WE CHOOSE CHANGE.!

This is a topic that I have been more than defensive about for so long.

I used to be a "people don't change" type of person, but you know before something comes about you, you can't relate.

Well, that thing came along, and now since I can connect to this right here, then I feel like I have the right to talk and share my thoughts around it.

CHANGE! For me it used to be if you change you are not authentic, you have to remain the human that we now, and with this mindset, I went on to realize that if way(the way I used to see it) brings people to be a lot of things, what we call not being real, not being authentic. (I hope you hear that part<<<) So with that thought, I realized that not changing brings us to being fae, in a simple and quick word.

I had to swap to another ethos around this topic, because I had to change and grow, and understand why, as human beings, we should and have to change. yeah, you read it right, grow<<<GROWTH, but that's a topic for another day...right!

People can change, but that doesn't mean they will...!

This is big and works out the brain for a phrase! But it is true.

They are a lot of hard things that cross our lives, and we say, huh that was hard, or this is hard, that is why some people do things, and others fail because of the "it's hard I can't do it."

So it Changes, change is hard that's why so of us change for the better, others change to the worse, which of course I call to change, cause change is change. and the worse, most never change, they choose what I call STANGNAT motion, they become comfortable.

Going quick, I won't define each of us under any of these types of people let me just say>>>>

Change is often complicated, and it doesn’t always happen the way you envision. That is why we choose the shortcuts...Most people agree: Everyone makes mistakes.

You might use this phrase to console a loved one who’s done something they regret or boost self-compassion when you mess up yourself.

Perhaps you add the reassurance, “You’ll do better next time,” or vow to use your experience to improve in the future.

These common sayings imply people can change — and they absolutely can.

Anyone can make an effort to alter specific habits or behaviors. Even some aspects of attitude and personality can change over time… with some dedicated effort.

Yet while people can change, not everyone does. How can you tell if someone will ever really address certain behaviors? What factors make improvement more likely?

The fact that they are willing to, the fact that they are remorse of what they did or the way they think, the answers are many you can help and add on yours, but what I want to say is, change is hard and it a process, so be gentle at yourself, and love on yourself because, without those two which for me are the main pushing points, you won't reach there because my friend change is pain.

You can't force change, I mean simply telling a person "you need to change" will never make it happen, you know why? Because it comes within, change comes with a will and a fight, not me telling us, suggesting you to jump to it. You can certainly offer encouragement and support or set an example of positive change, but you can’t control anyone else’s actions. Before someone can make lasting change to a specific behavior or trait, they need to want to make those changes.

Allow me to come back to what I said up there, that I used to think that people never change, When we think to lie that it's because yes first we saw people that swore that they have changed, but yet, you come across them doing/being the exact thing you thought they surpassed. This is because listening, friend, this is because you, yes you, I mean us, we forced to change into/onto them. So yes I said it, we are the ones to blame for that fakeness, that hypocrisy, as we call them when we realize that it was a fugazi change.

• “Either you stop drinking or I leave this relationship.”

Of course, I will stop drinking for you babes hahaha

Yes hon, I will be sober from now on for you, for our love.

And when I get the chance to drink I will drink, it might be open, or hidden, yes babe, I will hide, I will lie, I cheat, just to drink, and you'll get hurt, you know why, because you forced me to stop, you forced me to be your change, you forced me to to be who I am not ready to be.

HOLD ON! This is not only alcohol, this can be anything that is forced on you, in the name of change.

But again a forced change can cause change, but it is a lot of work as you just read from my conversation with my beloved lol! But it can work, I don't mean to discourage you if you trying it on a person you care about, however, when the other person views it as an attempt to exert control. What’s more, they probably won’t commit to a lasting effort unless they truly care about the consequences. I had to add that hahaha.

Change takes time and effort.

If you’ve ever resolved to change something about yourself, you likely understand this decision is only the beginning.

After setting a goal, such as “Stop showing up late,” you probably explored the reasons behind your frequent lateness:

• trouble getting up in the morning

• frequently misplacing keys

• a tendency to lose track of time

This used to be me, never on time but said I hate people who are late. I think that mindset is the one that pushed me forward to change that part of my life that was never on time.

Well, Once you had a clearer idea of what you could do differently, you probably tried to put your plan into action. Maybe you tried setting your morning alarm 15 minutes earlier or attached a key hook to the back of your front door.

But even the best intentions don’t yield immediate improvement. You might have needed to experiment with different strategies to find one that worked. When hoping for change from someone else, don’t expect overnight success. They’re going through the same process. Encouraging them and praising their efforts can help build up their determination to keep trying. Allow me to repeat it in bold letters, IF YOU ARE EAGER TO SEE SOMEONE CHANGE, PLEASE DO SUPPORT THEM, PRAISE THEM ON THEIR WAY THERE.

Change doesn’t always follow a linear path.

I said change is pain, change is growth, change takes time, ups and downs, sometimes you even fight to hide it for others to not remark it.

Even someone with a sincere determination to change won’t always succeed the first time or the second. It’s easy to slip back into old habits at first, sometimes without realizing it.

It often helps to reconsider your strategy and explore other methods of managing triggers before trying again.

That said, true commitment to change generally shows up in noticeable effort and progress.

Say your partner teases you whenever you disagree.

After some discussion, they admit they do this to lighten the mood because they dislike conflict. When they realize it hurts you, they agree to stop. They succeed for a few months but eventually fall back into the habit.

When you call it out, they decide to go to therapy to address the underlying issues related to their fears around conflict. Damn, I feel like I'm going in circles with this one. Every word comes back, this means that I am being clear.

What about people who cheat or lie?

Let me jump on this one because I know, that's where we tend to call our people fae, hurtful, not authentic at all, and leave friendships and relationships because of these behaviors. We tend to wonder whether people who do hurtful things — lie, cheat, or manipulate, to name a few — can change those behaviors. In theory, yes, anyone can stop doing something if they choose to do so. The problem typically lies in what prompts the behavior and their willingness to address that emotional trigger. Infidelity and lying happen for any number of reasons, and if those underlying causes go unaddressed, the behavior likely won’t change.

The same goes for manipulation. Many people learn to manipulate to get their needs met, and this behavior can develop in childhood as a defense mechanism.

It’s often difficult to address ingrained strategies for coping and survival, but people can, and often do, learn new behaviors with support.

Considering broader behavior patterns can help. Someone who regrets their actions and expresses interest in growth may succeed at making changes.

But someone who insists they’ll change “this time” yet shows no remorse and makes no effort to do anything differently? They may not be ready to address their behavior. People who do want to make changes in personality may find it most helpful to address beliefs and coping mechanisms associated with specific personality traits, not the traits themselves.

Say you’re fairly untidy and have a tendency to procrastinate on projects and chores.

When you notice these traits occasionally cause problems in your relationships, you make a greater effort to complete things on time and keep your living space more organized.

You didn’t directly change your level of conscientiousness.

Instead, you changed your response, perhaps by reminding yourself to stay on task when you feel distracted or telling yourself your partner doesn’t want to see dirty laundry overflowing from the hamper.

How change happens.

Once you realize the need for change, you’ll move through a few stages:

• contemplation: thinking about the change

• preparation: getting ready for the change

• action: implementing the change

• maintenance: sticking with the change over time

It’s common (and very normal) to experience setbacks along the way. The factors below can help improve your chances of a successful outcome.

Motivation

Outlining some of the reasons behind your desire for change can help you feel more committed. When you get stuck or discouraged, these reasons can renew your desire to keep trying.

Once you decide on a change you want to make, list your reasons. Reviewing this list whenever you struggle can make a big difference in your determination to stick with it.

If a loved one shares difficulties making progress with a change, help boost their motivation by reminding them of what they’re working toward and what they stand to gain.

Visualization

Your brain can’t always separate imagination from reality, so mentally “seeing” your success may help you achieve it.

Visualizing yourself succeeding at your goals can help your brain believe you actually can succeed. The more you believe in yourself, the greater your chances of improvement.

Positive feedback and support

When you hesitate to acknowledge the possibility of change, you give others less motivation to attempt. They might think, “Why to bother if no one has faith in me?”

You can help increase a loved one’s chances of success by offering encouragement instead of doubt.

Try:

• asking about their progress

• praising their attempts

• joining them in making positive change

Keep in mind that the same applies to you. If you don’t believe you can change, you might not succeed.

Generate positive support by telling loved ones about your goals. They can offer encouragement, cheer you on, and strengthen your faith in yourself.

Effort (not ability)

Getting stuck on your perception of your abilities can sometimes stop you before you even get started.

If you’re naturally shy, you might think, “There’s no way I can get to know new people on my own.” Convinced to lack the ability to change, you might continue avoiding social situations, even though you want to make new friends.

A better approach involves exploring ways to achieve growth.

For example:

• “Talking first is too much, so I’ll start by smiling and making eye contact.”

• “I’ll introduce myself to one new person each week.”

• “Today, I’ll say hello to two coworkers.”

After you complete these smaller steps, the end goal might seem more achievable.

You can also encourage a loved one with this strategy. As they practice a new behavior or work to break a habit, offer encouragement and recognition of their effort instead of focusing on results.

Therapy

Some change requires professional support. Not everyone has an easy time addressing certain behaviors on their own, and some changes require professional support.

The behaviors and characteristics that cause the most harm — dishonesty, infidelity, low empathy — are often the most difficult to address.

But therapy can help with any type of change, whether that involves:

• breaking unwanted habits

• rebuilding trust

• overcoming addiction

• increasing empathy

• addressing mental health concerns.

A therapist can help you (or a loved one):

• uncover factors contributing to the unwanted behavior or personality trait

• explore strategies to promote new behaviors

• develop a plan to manage triggers and maintain effort over time

Even behaviors associated with personality disorders, which were once considered extremely difficult (if not impossible) to treat, can improve with professional support.

In therapy, you’ll find compassion and guidance, not judgment, so don’t hesitate to reach out.

PSA: This is a topic for another day, for your friends who do not understand how important therapy is.

The bottom line

Change is a possibility, not a given.

It’s important to recognize that people can change, but it’s just as important to know when to move on.

In most cases, change doesn’t happen until someone wants it for themselves. If they don’t seem willing to address problematic behaviors, waiting and hoping may simply leave you in a position where you accept pain again and again.

If you’d like more guidance on your specific circumstances, a therapist can always offer support.

FIRST I APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING A LOT OF THINGS, MY FRIENDS WILL SAY, YEAH THAT'S YOU, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A LOT TO SAY, OTHERS YOU WILL SAY HMM, WE DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD TALK THIS MUCH. THIS IS NOT EVEN ALL I HAD TO SAY BUT IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.

SECOND READ AND READ, AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO READ, AND IF YOU FEEL LIE MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT RIGHT, ADJUST WITH YOURS, WE ARE HERE TO LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.

ILOVEY'ALL.

REGARDS,

DANIELLA.